Recollection
Today I had my 7th treatment today and it went by in a blur I went up there and they completed the spinal injection within 20 mins. It was amazing how quick they got it done. the hours that followed went very slow though and I let my mind wander, bad Idea with my overactive imagination. I noticed one thing about my life, It seems the good memories always are fuzzy and distorted or are built upon false trust, but the bad memories seem to come in crystal clear.
I need to take a serious look into my life and find out who I am and what I want to do with my life, the choices I make or don’t make every day led me to be the person I am today, I realize I am only human and we make mistakes but sometimes human emotion can hurt so much, that it can scar your soul and thoughts every waking day, alot goes through my mind when I think of those things, about my childhood and why I don’t remember hardly any of it, to when I came to be a teenager and had those years ripped away from me by a doctor who decided to lose his grip on reality for one day, then the trials I faced learning to deal with my challenge and how it started to tear my family apart, from there a light of hope came when the Doctor recieved a bit of justice but then I realized once I recieved the gracious settlement people started to look and treat me different, I guess from observing and watching how people acted to those less fortunate and to those that are more than fortunate in terms of finances sickened me.
Apperently we live in a world where there is one Universal rule, “Money is Power” I hate to say this but in our worlds state of affairs it is the truth. Now before anyone goes and starts judging me I want to say this. If I could trade all the money I have to have the hands of time turned back and have things done differently I would, but the hard cold reality is that is impossible, I realize that things happen for a reason, but I would really like to start getting some answers. Not just for me but for everyone who managed to be dealt a wrong hand, even innocent children have to deal with the pain and suffering of disease everyday and there is not a damned thing you can really do about it unless you have that thing called “Money”,
I want to know why people suffer when they do no wrong, who is to judge that people have to pay for others sins, as I lay hear typing sick children are dying while Murderers run free of disease and the hand of Justice, now I know I am no saint and I am far from innocent but I just want to know why these events happened are these ramblings of a crazy man crying out for help? Or am I just looking for answers to who I am and what my purpose in life is. It feels like everyone has a plan or purpose and the world around me is frozen.
Another thing that I learned the hard way is that money comes with responsiblitly, and honestly I don’t think I am responsible or strong enough to control it. Part of me does thank this blessing/curse in disguse. It showed me one of lifes toughest lessons. Trust. I have a problem, I used to trust people so quickly, was it because of my heart? or was I just too naive? Some questions were answered when my best friend of many years took advantage of me and my familys hospitality. After that happened I shut my self away from the real world trying not to let people get to close. Is this my purpose? To never know real life friendship or love again? Or do I try to ‘be careful’ and try over once again?
I want to start over, begin a new life somewhere far away where know one really knows who I am but I can’t not so long as I have this disablitly I am unable to take care of myself and I can’t be selfish enough to ask my parents to take such a journey with me. So you see my diliema. some wonderful words of wisdom would be great right now so I am going to stop typing incoherently, I know this is a very morbid and sobering post but it is how I feel on the inside at times. Please try to understand.
10 comments October 7th, 2008
