Recollection
October 7th, 2008
Today I had my 7th treatment today and it went by in a blur I went up there and they completed the spinal injection within 20 mins. It was amazing how quick they got it done. the hours that followed went very slow though and I let my mind wander, bad Idea with my overactive imagination. I noticed one thing about my life, It seems the good memories always are fuzzy and distorted or are built upon false trust, but the bad memories seem to come in crystal clear.
I need to take a serious look into my life and find out who I am and what I want to do with my life, the choices I make or don’t make every day led me to be the person I am today, I realize I am only human and we make mistakes but sometimes human emotion can hurt so much, that it can scar your soul and thoughts every waking day, alot goes through my mind when I think of those things, about my childhood and why I don’t remember hardly any of it, to when I came to be a teenager and had those years ripped away from me by a doctor who decided to lose his grip on reality for one day, then the trials I faced learning to deal with my challenge and how it started to tear my family apart, from there a light of hope came when the Doctor recieved a bit of justice but then I realized once I recieved the gracious settlement people started to look and treat me different, I guess from observing and watching how people acted to those less fortunate and to those that are more than fortunate in terms of finances sickened me.
Apperently we live in a world where there is one Universal rule, “Money is Power” I hate to say this but in our worlds state of affairs it is the truth. Now before anyone goes and starts judging me I want to say this. If I could trade all the money I have to have the hands of time turned back and have things done differently I would, but the hard cold reality is that is impossible, I realize that things happen for a reason, but I would really like to start getting some answers. Not just for me but for everyone who managed to be dealt a wrong hand, even innocent children have to deal with the pain and suffering of disease everyday and there is not a damned thing you can really do about it unless you have that thing called “Money”,
I want to know why people suffer when they do no wrong, who is to judge that people have to pay for others sins, as I lay hear typing sick children are dying while Murderers run free of disease and the hand of Justice, now I know I am no saint and I am far from innocent but I just want to know why these events happened are these ramblings of a crazy man crying out for help? Or am I just looking for answers to who I am and what my purpose in life is. It feels like everyone has a plan or purpose and the world around me is frozen.
Another thing that I learned the hard way is that money comes with responsiblitly, and honestly I don’t think I am responsible or strong enough to control it. Part of me does thank this blessing/curse in disguse. It showed me one of lifes toughest lessons. Trust. I have a problem, I used to trust people so quickly, was it because of my heart? or was I just too naive? Some questions were answered when my best friend of many years took advantage of me and my familys hospitality. After that happened I shut my self away from the real world trying not to let people get to close. Is this my purpose? To never know real life friendship or love again? Or do I try to ‘be careful’ and try over once again?
I want to start over, begin a new life somewhere far away where know one really knows who I am but I can’t not so long as I have this disablitly I am unable to take care of myself and I can’t be selfish enough to ask my parents to take such a journey with me. So you see my diliema. some wonderful words of wisdom would be great right now so I am going to stop typing incoherently, I know this is a very morbid and sobering post but it is how I feel on the inside at times. Please try to understand.
10 Comments Add your own
1. Hola from Charea-Pet!! | October 7th, 2008 at 4:50 am
Hey hun. I understand how you feel, it’s hard when friends take advantage of you and whatnot. Times are hard, things aren’t always fair, and yes, money is power these days. But there are some good things in life too. You learn to help others because you know how they feel, you can do good and help out others, and just to be a better person. There really isn’t an answer why so many bad things happen but where there’s a dark side, there’s a light side as well. I know how you feel dear so I can cope with you =) As long as you live your life right, then you’re helping make the world better right there.
Love you bunches ♥
P.S. I get the first comment!! Woohoo =D
2. mom | October 7th, 2008 at 5:53 am
hey josh, i love you a whole sky full life is not fair i know at times your life sucks big time i look at things this way it could be worse or you can choose it to be the best it can be. it is your choice make it your destiny. life is what you put in . we dont walk in your shoes we dont know how you feel i will tell you this though as smart as you are i would go back to school and write a book about your life it could help someone including yourself i cant wait to see you guys call will chat tue am off off wed and thrusday all day i love both mom,carole
3. Kenna Roberts | October 7th, 2008 at 6:45 am
Hi Josh. I couldn’t find your blog this a.m. so I e-mailed your other address. But Kenna got on her account for me so I was able to read your blog. Do you remember the letter I wrote to you after you got your settlement? It was filled with all those quotes from all those wise people. Writting can be such a expressive outlet and can help you figure out how you are feeling about things. It’s always a good thing to question ourselves. It shows we care about our life. People are always looking for their purpose and destiny, you will never find it if you don’t question your life and your surroundings and your values. I read somewhere recently that money can’t buy happiness but what you do with your money can. I don’t know if it’s true or not but it is something to think about.
You will be home soon and things will look a little better. I love you and can’t wait to hear about your adventure.
Love to you both,
Aunt Penni
4. Mary Terry | October 7th, 2008 at 8:15 am
Hi Josh
What a wonderful message just knowing how you feel. People are the same world over so just trust your good instincts and don’t go far away unless you decide to travel.
You should keep writing as you sound like a journalist. People should know how you feel
Your thoughts may help others.
See you soon
love to you and Larry
gramme/mom
5. Jykia | October 7th, 2008 at 3:38 pm
Joshie! your a wonderful person and a great insperation to me. ive seen how power corrupts, its very ugly, throw gil on top of that, it gets uglier. your a very strong person, dont ever think otherwise cause if you do there is a brenner match just calling your name! mistakes are made so we can learn from them, the smart ones at least dont repeat the mistake. it can be vicious, just be strong and rememer karma happens for a reason, just sometimes figuring out the reason takes longer than most. always remember you are loved by many people, both in rl and vanadel. trust yourself, love yourself, believe in yourself, and you will see the angel inside that we already see. <3 you!
6. Ryry | October 9th, 2008 at 2:37 am
Joshie,
I agree sometimes life can be tough and things dont always seem just and fari but if its one thing I have foudn things happen for a reason. They build you into a better person. For that all I can say is that which does not kill you only makes you stronger. Those who have delt with hardships in there life are only destned for great things. You alone Josh have inspired me and kept my faith up at times where I thought it was a lost cause. <3 you long time. I know this next line may sound preachy but I will say it anyways. God does not give the hardships to the robbers and the criminals cause to him they are already a lost cause. It is in these hard times that he shows us that we have the strength to move on and be better peopl. Those of us who have been delt a bad hand for whatever reason, were delt it I have come to believe to show us how strong we really are. To show us our true potential. Those who can get up and “walk tall” with the heads held high are destined to be some of the greatest people ever. I can believe this statement to be true just from knowing you. <3 ya Joshie and miss you lots.
7. Kenna Roberts | October 9th, 2008 at 4:23 am
Hey Josh! You don’t need people in ur life if they bring you down, you need people that love you unconditionally! Like everyone you cares enough to read this blog and leave comments! But i love you bunches and and can’t wait to see you!
Love Your Favorite Cousin!
<3 Kenna Marie Roberts
8. Stevi Jo | October 9th, 2008 at 9:00 am
Hi Joshie!
I agree that you should continue writing. eventually you could write an autobiography that could serve as inspiration to others. I’m sure many people could relate to you because of your struggles, and nearly everyone has had someone take advantage of them that they trusted.
Just remember that there will always be a new day, another sunset, and that as long as you surround yourself with those who love you, tomorrow will be a better day.
I love you so much and i continue to pray for you, just as i have for nine years.
Remember that even during your loneliest times, God is still watching over you, and that through Him you can always find strength.
9. Mindy K. | October 10th, 2008 at 3:05 am
Joshua,
I wanted to say a couple of things to you, now that your mom finally gave me the blog address.
1. I am very proud that you have spoken up about who you are, and announced that being gay is something that everyone will have to deal with. You cannot live a lie and be happy at the same time.
2. I am glad to hear that things are going very well in China… and I am glad that you have woken up and realized that many individuals have the short end of the stick, not just you my friend. Life is definitely full of unfairness, just remember it could always be worse.
3. I know it must be difficult to feel powerless about your condition, and frankly I’m glad the bastard that did this to you had to pay, even though it wasn’t enough. Unfortunately, money does not heal all wounds. In order for you to heal, you need to find, ok I know this is going to sound stupid, a happy place. Whether or not it is through writing, gaming, anime, school, traveling, God, etc. it is only something that you will be able to know. I think you have a gift for expressing yourself through writing and explore those avenues that await you.
4.Everyone loves you no matter what, and we all just want you to be happy. You cannot dwell on what has happened to you, because as you have said, it has sucked all the happiness of your childhood away. Don’t feed that monster, Josh… You are too special to feel that you are all alone and of all people, you should be able to be happy again. Good luck with your soul searching…
I will see you when you get back.
Mindy K.
10. Kristi_Lexi | October 14th, 2008 at 3:28 pm
Joshy! *huggles* Sweetie, you are one of the sweetest people I know. That has a lot of what your past has dealt to you. When life does nothing but rain on your day, watch for that silver lining. Those of us who are eternally optimistic when the worst comes, are going to be the ones who prevail. It’s so hard at times to keep that optimism going, but deary, its worth it. I haven’t had the best of life, better than others, but not the best. Sure there are things I wish I could go back and change, but at the same time, I wouldn’t be who I am today if it were not for those events. Life happens. Remember, you can only have issues, problems and happiness if you’re alive. Don’t forget that. Anything you choose to do with your life when you get back, I’ll be there supporting you along with all your family and friends. We all want you to be happy and for you to do what pleases you most. Can’t wait for you to get home.
*Huggles*
Lots of <3
Kristi
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